Wednesday, June 18, 2014

IS THAT A "Should" ON YOUR SHOULDER? - by Heidi McLaughlin

“If you had only thirty days to live, what is one thing in your life that you would stop right now? This provoking question fueled a lively discussion among my group of friends. After much animated banter, one main theme glaringly came into focus: Eliminate the life-sucking “shoulds”from our daily activities. We agreed that many of succumb to the guilt-induced obligations because we are afraid that people might not like us or approve of us. The interaction got even livelier as we tried to determine the obligations we needed to let go of so that we could enjoy the vibrant, fulfilling life that Jesus came to model for us.

There is one main statement I hear among women these days: “I am so tired!”It is a proven statistic that today we sleep 1-1/2 hours less that we did one hundred years ago.[i] More motor vehicle accidents are being reported because men and women are falling asleep at the wheel. There is an increase of sleep disorders, illnesses, depression and anxiety. What does this have to do with the “shoulds” in our daily activities? Many of us are working very hard to meet the demands of every day existence, but sadly, we also succumb to the “shoulds” that deplete our energy, cause our stress and rob us of freedom and joy. I think it is crucial that I ask myself this question: “As an author, do I write because it is my passion, it fills my soul, it gives me joy, or, do I write because I don’t want to disappoint people or even try to prove something?”

Whenever I am in doubt, I look to Jesus who modeled the abundant, fulfilling life. I can visualize him looking around at a ragged, bunch of over-zealous, overburdened humans and He was compelled to say this: “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly" (Matthew 11:29 MSG).

Whenever I read these words I feel like I want to curl up in His lap and cry. I want to get away from all the unnecessary shoulds in my life and learn how to live the “unforced rhythms of grace.” I need to be confident and bold enough to say “yes” to only those things that I have been created to do. Marcus Buckingham, the author of Find Your Strongest Life, says this about the shoulds. “Because you neglect the specific moments that strengthen you, your life gradually becomes filled up with the grab bag of activities and responsibilities. You may have a good reason for taking on each of these responsibilities-everything from…’If I don’t do this, no one else will’ to A good mother should do this.” [ii]Unfortunately this barrage of demands makes women feel responsible and we end up doing things that are not part of God’s plan for our lives.

So how do we find those “unforced rhythms of grace” and begin to say no to the “shoulds” and find that rest we so desperately need? Let’s walk with Jesus and learn from Him:

1.         He knew His purpose. Yes, he worked hard, but he always focused on His purpose in life…”to do the will of His Father”  (John 8:28; Matthew 26:39).
2.         He prayed. Early in the morning He went up to secluded places to talk to His Father (Luke 6:12, Mark 1:35, Luke 5:16).
3.         He fed on the word of God. When He was vulnerable and tempted, He told Satan, “It is written” (Matthew 4:4, 10).
4.         He slept when He was tired. In the midst of chaos and storms, Jesus was able to sleep because His soul was at rest (Matthew 8:24).
5.         He was thankful for His present circumstances. Before Jesus performed miracles, or broke the bread and served the wine-He looked up to Heaven and prayed (John 11:41, Mark 14:22).
6.         He owned very little “stuff”. He was not obsessed with accumulating new clothes, toys or technical equipment that seems to consume our time (Matthew 8:20).

Trying to please everyone in this life is exhausting; it drains us of energy when we succumb to the authority of other people instead of Christ. Oh that we might learn to let go of some of the ugly “shoulds” in our life and move into step with Jesus as we practice the unforced rhythms of grace.

[ii] Marcus Buckingham, Find Your Strongest Life: What the Happiest and Most Successful Women Do Differently (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2009) 90, 91.

Heidi McLaughlin lives in the beautiful vineyards of the Okanagan Valley in Kelowna, British Columbia, Canada. She is married to Pastor Jack and they have a wonderful, eclectic blended family of 5 children and 9 grandchildren. When Heidi is not working, she loves to curl up with a great book, or golf and laugh with her husband and special friends. You can reach her at:


Glynis said...

What a wonderful, thought-provoking, self-evaluating post this is Heidi! I was so guilty of the 'shoulds' when I was a young mom. I regret succumbing, but I know I cannot turn back the clock. I still have some 'shoulds' that I am trying conquer, however changing things doesn't come without a price. I think I am willing to pay the price, though - but that is before Christ at this time. But what a wonderful confirmation for me to read this. Your posts are always like an enlightening breath of fresh air that points to Christ. To God be the glory and I am grateful that you are His obedient daughter! Happy summer!

Anonymous said...

Right on! When I was much younger I was running myself ragged with so many of those loads. At the point of near exhaustion I had a kind and understanding doctor who recommended I make three lists. The first one of the tasks in my life that I had no choice about, the second of the things I felt I "should" do, and a third of things I really enjoy doing. My next task was to rid myself of the items on that second list one by one until they were gone. Then he "prescribed" a half hour walk in the out-of-doors each day. I didn't think I had time, but bless my husband, he made sure I did it, coming with me until I saw the great benefit of it. Thank you for helping remember.

Tracy Krauss said...

Eliminating a false sense of obligation is something I have been working on for some time and I think I have made some strides. Still, I know there are many things I still do out of guilt. It is a tricky business separating Godly selflessness from misplaced guilt.

Peter Black said...

O-o-h-h yes, Heidi, you are correct in this, enlightening and refreshing post. On the guilty side of this, I'm a "been there, dunnit" guy. The tendency to continue living in that mode persists. That said, there IS joy in serving the Lord through serving others. :)
As Tracy says,"It is a tricky business separating Godly selflessness from misplaced guilt." Thanks. ~~+~~

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