There comes a time in every believer’s life when we struggle with the desires of our heart.
Is my desire God’s will? Is He going to give me what I want?
The answer is: No…and…Yes.
I can best show you this through the cover development of my non-fiction book Finding Sarah, Finding Me that is coming out this August.
I put the following samples from my publisher up on Facebook a few months ago to get reactions.
- The one of the right, the soft sweetness got me.
- I like the one of the left because it is a happy moment.
- The one on the right. I think reunions are very emotional and stressful. The outcomes may end in joy, but I the first few moments are breath taking.
- I like the one on the left with the little girl running to her mom.
- At first I thought the left and then thought the right because this a book about your daughter’s journey as well as your own. The left image then became too stereotypical.
- Definitely the one on the left, which for me shows a joyful reunion.
The overall vote was about 40% for the left image, and 60% for the right.
But the exercise got me thinking. People really wanted a happy adoption reunion cover. Just like I wanted a happy reunion with my birthdaughter Sarah. That’s what I’d prayed for the 20 years after I relinquished her to adoption. The desire of my heart was a good one. It certainly wasn’t sinful, but the reunion was so traumatic for my birthdaughter’s adoptive parents and thereby traumatic for her, that the heartache and trauma was then passed on to me.
I’d prayed so hard and so long for broke my heart as much as my original relinquishment in 1979.
|Reunion Day 1999, I'm smiling (in the middle) but my heart was breaking.|
Sarah is the blond standing beside me. The brunette is my daughter Lana,
the tall guy in back is Sarah's husband, and the little blond guy in front is my youngest, Rob.
Was the desire of my heart God’s will? It sure seemed it wasn’t at that time.
Looking back 16 years after the reunion I can see that God was involved in my journey. There was so much He wanted me to learn. He wanted me to know how much He loved me in spite of my rejection of Him at times. He wanted me to learn some of those deep things about His nature, such as His suffering. The only way I could learn that was by not getting what I wanted when I wanted it. He showed me the depths of His love for me as I experienced my "seeming" rejection from Sarah.
God didn’t leave me in my heartbroken state. A relationship did gradually grow between my birthdaughter and I. So the answer to whether or not my desire was God’s will really is “No…and…Yes”.
|All my children together, some of my grandchildren, including Sarah's first baby sitting on my mother's lap in the front row.|
You might even be wondering if your desire to write is God's will too. In my career as a writer I've discovered that the journey toward that goal is another of God's priorities for my life. Take joy in the journey.
I love this thought: "My search for my birthdaughter Sarah helped me find my own face in the face of Christ."
There is a lot of meaning in that.
Thank you David, amazing how God shows us Himself in our individual journeys.
Christine, thank you for sharing these elements of your journey. Despite the challenges you faced in reestablishing your connection and relationship with Sarah (and the various levels of trauma that the process entailed), the lovely family picture "says it all"!
I agree with David; that same thought is a highlight for me, too. ~~+~~
Thank you Peter, all I can say these days is, "God is so good." Blessings,
More often than not, we want instant healing and immediate answers. I have been like that often but then God places a thought on my heart - He tells me that in order for this prayer to be answered or this situation to work out, He has to put things in place and work it all out in the lives of others, too. He reminds me often that He will always answer my prayer and He also reminds me that I am not the only one praying. You were praying for a happy reunion, Christine, but maybe someone else was praying you would not be entering Sarah's life again. Poor God. How on earth does He figure it all out to work for good? Oh hang on, he doesn't do it from an earthly perspective! But he sure does ALWAYS answer our prayers and works all things for good. Welcome, Christine. Great post.
Wonderful words, Glynis. You nailed it !!! Hugs and blessings to you. We sure serve a fantastic God, eh?
Christine, I look forward to reading your latest book as I am an adult adoptee who just located her half-brothers in England and they were never told of me. It has been a deep and emotional journey and I trust God's timing in bringing knowledge of your book to me just now and also for His presence and wisdom in teaching me the importance of grieving/mourning my losses despite my confusion.
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