My doctoral advisor, Dr. Paddy Ducklow, recently alerted me
to a remarkable woman Dr. Brene Brown.
Her TED talk on The Power of
Vulnerability went viral with over fifteen million people who have watched
it so far. As a fellow Social Worker, I
deeply appreciated Brene’s fascinating research on vulnerability, shame, and
perfectionism. Many people miss the connection between shame and
perfectionism. Brene says that where
there is perfectionism, there is always shame, because perfectionism gives
birth to shame. Perfectionism keeps us
from being our best self. It keeps us
from showing up and being present. It
keeps us from being loved and giving love to others.
Brene said that “perfectionism is a thought process that if
I look perfect, live perfect, work perfect and do it all perfectly, I can avoid
or minimize shame, blame, judgement and criticism.” Brene called perfectionism
her favorite twenty-ton shield that she carried for many years. It doesn’t work though in protecting us. Perfectionism shuts down joy, love, and
connection. It is rooted in our desire
for external validity, rather than being true to ourselves.
Perfectionism is radically contagious and seductive. Brene, who describes herself as a recovering
perfectionist, says that it is the greatest enemy of transformative
leadership. We try to cure our
perfectionist hangovers with yet more perfectionism. Many people are trying to painfully earn the
love of other people through the futile search for perfectionism. Many of us think that we need to be perfect to
be lovable.
Voltaire said that perfect is the enemy of good. That is why Brene said “If you want to avoid
blame, shame, judgment and criticism, do nothing. It is part of the human experience.” Perfectionism tempts us to bury our gifts
rather than make a lasting contribution. Wayne Gretzky notably commented that you
miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
Perfectionism keeps us stuck in procrastination. Brene said that “very few perfectionists ever
publish books.” When writing my second
book ‘Battle for the Soul of Canada’, I often felt tempted to give up. Why bother?
It’s too much of a hassle. There
are too many roadblocks to having it published.
Every time I write a book, I have to push through my perfectionism. My coach Dr. Terry Walling has been a big
encouragement to me in my book writing, saying: “My sense is that God is wanting
you to hear his voice. It’s time for you to contribute. It’s time for you to write. It’s time for you to share your thinking and
whether people agree with you or not, is not as important as you being able to
trust him enough that he will take the things that you say to help advance his
kingdom.”
God keeps sending people to me like Dr Terry Walling and Dr
Brene Brown who remind me that I don’t need to be perfect. Jesus is the only one who is perfect, and he
perfectly loves each one of us, even to the point of the cross. My
prayer is that you know in the depth of your being that God is not waiting to
love you. He is just waiting for you to
accept how much he perfectly loves you.
The Rev. Dr. Ed Hird, Rector
-an article for the July 2014 Deep Cove Crier
5 comments:
Ed, thanks for this interesting post and the choice truths it contains. (Hmm, I'll have to get back to Brene Brown's TED talk, later. Looking forward to it, though.)~~+~~
This was very powerful. I am a secondary school teacher and at our last parent teacher meetings, I mentioned to one dad that his daughter had trouble completing assignments because she is a bit of a perfectionist. (Actually A LOT, but I didn't want to be too harsh!) he seemed pleased by this and said, "If its not worth doing right its not worth doing." while I understand this sentiment, I felt frustrated because all he did was validate his daughter's inability to complete anything... Now i understand part of why this is so...
Thanks for this, Ed. I saw her TED Talk and I thoroughly enjoyed it and learned something. I too tend to be an over achiever and this is a problem for leaders. I totally understand when you say it interferes in our ability to be a transformational leader.
I certainly connected with your post, Ed, for I too have had to let go of perfectionism to do certain things, like writing and, ironically, editing too.
Must locate that TED Talk. Thanks for your post.
Thanks for your kind comments. I am glad that you found the article helpful.
Blessings,
Ed Hird+
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