It broke my heart when
I clicked on the link. One of my former students who is now in University
posted it. She’s a good girl with a lot of sense and compassion so when she was
a little up in arms, I thought I would see from whence her anger came. She’d
posted a Dr. Phil clip on social media, showing a mother berating her child
with words no parent should use followed by extreme physical punishment. It
included forcing her son to put hot sauce in his mouth followed by orders for
him to strip naked and stand in a
freezing cold shower. The young lad’s screams
tore my heart.
I knew it was a TV
show. I wondered, then, why on earth would anyone tape something so vicious and
then send it in to a TV program. Was there monetary gain? I never watched the
show, of course, because this was just one clip. I could easily turn away, but
what tugged at my heart was that this happens all the time in many different
ways. I had to respond.
Using 'weapons' to
punish a child does not get the point across. It might stop the initial
behaviour out of fear, but there are no lessons of 'why this is wrong' or 'why
we don't behave like that'. It's just - that was your decision - here is your
extreme physical punishment. That will work for a while, but soon a child will
grow up to resent that and something very ugly seethes inside. Then when a
child turns into an adult, and he/she hasn't learned anything about having good
character or making good choices (or bad choices with consequences) then there
is little or no character development. And the cycle continues.
I certainly don't mean
we should shrug off the bad behaviour or blame the teacher or 'others'. But
there are other ways. I always wanted my children to know they could be safe
with me, even in their troubles. And if they did something wrong, they knew
there would be consequences - but they also knew that there would be
conversations with the consequences that involved patience and good listening.
We need to teach children self-control first. Lashing out with something that
demeans (the cold shower for instance where the chlld has to strip and be
forced to endure such a frightening experience) is a terrible treatment. A home
and family should not be likened to being a prisoner where the child can hardly
wait to grow up and leave home, but it should be a safe haven where a child can
come home even when they’ve done something wrong, expecting consequences but an
abiding love.
One of the worst
punishments for a young child is to feel that they have disappointed their
parent(s). That emotion doesn't even enter in when extreme physical punishment
happens. Self preservation does. And it will override any feelings of remorse.
And then no character development can happen because the child is too busy
being fearful. Yes this kind of consequence can stop bad behaviour for a while
but it can also kill a spirit and open up a big doorway to volatile behaviour
in later life.
No, I don’t know all
the details of the ‘crime’ except this little boy (looked about 7 or 8) came
home with a ‘yellow card’ which meant he got into trouble in school. Through
his little whimpers on the clip, it sounded like he got into a fight with
another boy about pencils. I didn’t need
to see the whole tape. I saw the heart of the mother and it wasn’t pretty.
Heart breaking.
I wonder if ‘Jesus
wept’ again.
Then it made me think about
how we handle trouble in this world – as adults. Do we lash out and point
fingers, hurling insults and dividing families? Those can be vicious weapons,
too. Sticks and stones might hurt our bones but calling names DOES hurt. Knife wielding hurting people stab others
because they want something – money, drugs, revenge. Gun-toting individuals
think it is their right to shoot to get what they want. Who do we blame?
A parent who constantly
criticizes and demeans their own child is setting that child up for trouble. It’s
not always the case, but often bitter, angry, rebellious children who seek a
sense of belonging outside the home are a product of poor parenting by bitter,
angry parents.
What happened to love
and respect? Patience and character building? Children misbehave. That’s not
new news. (Psalm 51:5: Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity; And in sin my
mother conceived me.) And parenting is not easy. That’s not new news, either.
I am not proposing a
Pollyanna world, but I am proposing that it begins at home. Imagine what the
world might be like if we really practised our own Ten Commandments of
Parenting.
1.
Thou shalt
understand the commitment of being a parent and choose to be one because of God’s
love of family.
Psalms 127:3 Behold, children are a heritage
from the LORD, The fruit of the womb a reward.
2.
Thou
shalt not incite anger in my child, but rather find ways to extend love, grace
and hope. Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not
provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
3.
Thou shalt
teach my child about the love of God, including fair and acceptable behaviour
using the Word of God as a guide.
Deuteronomy 6:6–7 And these words that I
command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to
your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you
walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.
4.
Thou shalt
set boundaries for my child and limits for his or her age, but if a child
decides to extend themselves beyond the reasonable boundaries, then there will
be fair consequences that won’t involve future mental anguish.
Proverbs 3:12 For the LORD reproves him whom he
loves.
5.
Thou shalt
be responsible as a parent for modeling behaviour, always being aware that
little eyes are watching and learning and imitating.
Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go; Even when he is
old he will not depart from it.
6.
Thou Shalt
not take out my anger on a child; nor will I be worried about things beyond my
control; instead I will pray and in turn my children will see this and know
this is how to begin to handle matters that are tough.
Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by
prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to
God.
7.
Thou shalt
always remember that God’s love never fails and no matter what my predicament
as a parent, His love is steadfast and sure so I should often remind my child
how God is always faithful and a safe place to be.
Lamentations 3:22–23 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; His
mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is your
faithfulness.
8.
Thou
shalt not worry. Children are sensitive and if you worry, they worry.
Matthew 6:34 So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for
itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
9.
Thou
shalt use my inside voice and be kind when talking to my child and then kind
words will come easier if I exercise patience (and remind myself how patient
God is with me.)
Proverbs 16:21 Pleasant words promote
instruction.
10.
Thou shalt
remember that when love is the driving force, the world becomes a better place.
Happiness happens when love exists. Grace, peace and hope exist because with
love as a foundation, the tendency is to want to please and not disappoint. Oh
and the greatest … is love!
1 Corinthians 16:14 Do everything in love.
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Glynis lives, loves, laughs and does an awful lot of reading, writing, publishing and praying in her home office.
Her latest children's book, JESUS LOVES ME WHEN I DANCE, celebrates and shows us that with Jesus Love, we'll never lose!
www.glynisbelec.com