Ten Commandments of Parenting by Glynis M Belec

It broke my heart when I clicked on the link. One of my former students who is now in University posted it. She’s a good girl with a lot of sense and compassion so when she was a little up in arms, I thought I would see from whence her anger came. She’d posted a Dr. Phil clip on social media, showing a mother berating her child with words no parent should use followed by extreme physical punishment. It included forcing her son to put hot sauce in his mouth followed by orders for him to strip naked and stand in a

freezing cold shower. The young lad’s screams tore my heart.

I knew it was a TV show. I wondered, then, why on earth would anyone tape something so vicious and then send it in to a TV program. Was there monetary gain? I never watched the show, of course, because this was just one clip. I could easily turn away, but what tugged at my heart was that this happens all the time in many different ways. I had to respond. 

Using 'weapons' to punish a child does not get the point across. It might stop the initial behaviour out of fear, but there are no lessons of 'why this is wrong' or 'why we don't behave like that'. It's just - that was your decision - here is your extreme physical punishment. That will work for a while, but soon a child will grow up to resent that and something very ugly seethes inside. Then when a child turns into an adult, and he/she hasn't learned anything about having good character or making good choices (or bad choices with consequences) then there is little or no character development. And the cycle continues.

 

I certainly don't mean we should shrug off the bad behaviour or blame the teacher or 'others'. But there are other ways. I always wanted my children to know they could be safe with me, even in their troubles. And if they did something wrong, they knew there would be consequences - but they also knew that there would be conversations with the consequences that involved patience and good listening. We need to teach children self-control first. Lashing out with something that demeans (the cold shower for instance where the chlld has to strip and be forced to endure such a frightening experience) is a terrible treatment. A home and family should not be likened to being a prisoner where the child can hardly wait to grow up and leave home, but it should be a safe haven where a child can come home even when they’ve done something wrong, expecting consequences but an abiding love.

One of the worst punishments for a young child is to feel that they have disappointed their parent(s). That emotion doesn't even enter in when extreme physical punishment happens. Self preservation does. And it will override any feelings of remorse. And then no character development can happen because the child is too busy being fearful. Yes this kind of consequence can stop bad behaviour for a while but it can also kill a spirit and open up a big doorway to volatile behaviour in later life.

 

No, I don’t know all the details of the ‘crime’ except this little boy (looked about 7 or 8) came home with a ‘yellow card’ which meant he got into trouble in school. Through his little whimpers on the clip, it sounded like he got into a fight with another boy about pencils.  I didn’t need to see the whole tape. I saw the heart of the mother and it wasn’t pretty.

Heart breaking.

I wonder if ‘Jesus wept’ again.

Then it made me think about how we handle trouble in this world – as adults. Do we lash out and point fingers, hurling insults and dividing families? Those can be vicious weapons, too. Sticks and stones might hurt our bones but calling names DOES hurt.  Knife wielding hurting people stab others because they want something – money, drugs, revenge. Gun-toting individuals think it is their right to shoot to get what they want. Who do we blame?

A parent who constantly criticizes and demeans their own child is setting that child up for trouble. It’s not always the case, but often bitter, angry, rebellious children who seek a sense of belonging outside the home are a product of poor parenting by bitter, angry parents.

What happened to love and respect? Patience and character building? Children misbehave. That’s not new news. (Psalm 51:5: Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity; And in sin my mother conceived me.) And parenting is not easy. That’s not new news, either.

I am not proposing a Pollyanna world, but I am proposing that it begins at home. Imagine what the world might be like if we really practised our own Ten Commandments of Parenting.

 1.       Thou shalt understand the commitment of being a parent and choose to be one because of God’s love of family.

Psalms 127:3 Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, The fruit of the womb a reward.

       2.       Thou shalt not incite anger in my child, but rather find ways to extend love, grace and hope. Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

3.       Thou shalt teach my child about the love of God, including fair and acceptable behaviour using the Word of God as a guide.

Deuteronomy 6:6–7 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

  

    4.       Thou shalt set boundaries for my child and limits for his or her age, but if a child decides to extend themselves beyond the reasonable boundaries, then there will be fair consequences that won’t involve future mental anguish.

Proverbs 3:12 For the LORD reproves him whom he loves.

5.       Thou shalt be responsible as a parent for modeling behaviour, always being aware that little eyes are watching and learning and imitating.

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go; Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

6.       Thou Shalt not take out my anger on a child; nor will I be worried about things beyond my control; instead I will pray and in turn my children will see this and know this is how to begin to handle matters that are tough.

Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

    7.       Thou shalt always remember that God’s love never fails and no matter what my predicament as a parent, His love is steadfast and sure so I should often remind my child how God is always faithful and a safe place to be.

Lamentations 3:22–23 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness.

   8.       Thou shalt not worry. Children are sensitive and if you worry, they worry.  

Matthew 6:34 So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

    9.       Thou shalt use my inside voice and be kind when talking to my child and then kind words will come easier if I exercise patience (and remind myself how patient God is with me.)

Proverbs 16:21 Pleasant words promote instruction.

    10.   Thou shalt remember that when love is the driving force, the world becomes a better place. Happiness happens when love exists. Grace, peace and hope exist because with love as a foundation, the tendency is to want to please and not disappoint. Oh and the greatest … is love!

1 Corinthians 16:14 Do everything in love.

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Glynis lives, loves, laughs and does an awful lot of reading, writing, publishing and praying in her home office. 

     Her latest children's book, JESUS LOVES ME WHEN I DANCE, celebrates and shows us that with Jesus Love, we'll never lose! 

      

       www.glynisbelec.com 

The Powerful Three Letter Word-by Heidi McLaughlin

It’s difficult for me to ask for anything. After all I was raised in a German family where my father helped me build character by telling me to “figure it out.” I didn’t have Google and YouTube to guide me through unknown minefields so I learned to become self-reliant and resilient. 

My first husband taught me to use words and “ask” when I wanted him to vacuum or help out in the kitchen after dinner. It was a magical revelation that saved me lots of frustration and angst. But, I always thought if someone loved you enough they would just know that you need help; why should you have to ask?

The Bible tells us to ask: “If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it” (John 14: 14).  I will never fully fathom the depth of God’s love for me or understand the mystery of prayer.

But if God loves me so much, can’t He just read my thoughts and make it happen?

In the last two months after the sudden death of my beloved second husband, my self-reliance and “figure it out” belief flew out the window.  I needed help with my raw and fragmented life. I had to learn to ask.

“God please help me find someone to shovel my driveway.” God sent a mysterious angel and then a young man who shovelled my driveway all winter.

“God, where is that beeping noise coming from and how do I make it stop?’  God led me to the thermostat that needed new batteries.

“God, please heal my flu so that I can get me onto that plane this Christmas.” God nudged me that I needed to go to the Emergency Ward to discover that it wasn’t just the flu. God sent neighbours, friends and a great Doctor to uncover a more serious health condition that needed to be resolved quickly.

“God, how am I going to start cooking alone in this kitchen?” God sent a friend to stay with me for 3 days to help me organize some meals and renew my desire to create my own meals.

I asked and asked and asked.

“God, how do I find this? How do I fix this?  God help me figure this out.” I still don’t understand why I have to ask, but I know that I do.  Maybe He is trying to teach me that He has the whole world at my disposal, but like a huge bank account, He doesn’t want me to spend it all at once. Maybe He wants me to trust Him so that He can unleash my life in the way He designed me in my mother’s womb. Maybe, He wants me to let go of my stubborn, prideful self-reliance and learn to relax in His perfect plan for me life. 

In this lifetime I will probably never understand why I have to ask.  But I’m glad I do, because I know the One who holds the answers.

Heidi McLaughlin lives in the beautiful vineyards of the Okanagan Valley in Kelowna, British Columbia. Heidi has been widowed twice. She is a mom and step mom of a wonderful, eclectic blended family of 5 children and 12 grandchildren. When Heidi is not working, she loves to curl up with a great book, or golf and laugh with her family and special friends.

Her latest book RESTLESS FOR MORE: Fulfillment in Unexpected Places (Including a FREE downloadable Study Guide) is now available at Amazon.ca; Amazon.com, Goodreads.com or her website: www.heartconnection.ca

The Best Day by David Kitz

            Lately, I have been spending a lot of time in the Psalms. Throughout Psalm 84 there is a longing to be with God—a desire to be close to Him. So we hear the Psalmist declare, "Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere" (Psalm 84:10).

            If you were to plan for the best day in your life, what would that day include? What would it look like? How and where would you spend your best day? Would the LORD be at the center of it all?

           

Choosing the path of love - Gatineau Park, QC

          Love is at the core of every special day. Think back to some of the best days of your life—days marked by joy and excitement. If you scratch beneath the surface of those days, you will find love at the core.

         We are in fact love starved people. We need it as much as the air we breathe. Experiments have shown that the unloved, un-caressed, unspoken to baby will die, even though all its physical needs are met. So when love comes to us, we celebrate it, frolic in it, and throw a party to announce it.

        Some of the best days of my life were falling-in-love days. To think someone loved me, simply wanted to be with me, well, it put a real bounce in my step. To be more accurate, it fried all my circuits. Thinking of her made me dreadfully forgetful. I would routinely forget what I was doing mid-task. I was noted for being calm and sedate. Now suddenly, I was doing outrageous, crazy things. Love has a special way of breaking down barriers, and freeing us from inhibitions. Real love is never rational; it doesn't make sense.

               We need love. We need to receive it. We need to give it.

            In Psalm 84, it was love that brought the psalmist to the House of God. It drew him like a magnet, pulled at his heart, tugged at his sleeve, and finally ushered him through the door. Love set him on this pilgrimage. It kept his weary feet moving mile after dreary mile. When he finally reached his goal—the object of his love—in wonder, we hear him exclaim, "How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and flesh cry out for the living God." 

            In reality Psalm 84 is a love poem. It's all about the psalmist's quest for love. These opening lines express it best. The psalmist is thirsting for a drink from heaven's Eternal Fount of Love. He yearns, faints and cries out for the living God. He expresses all this in what any poet would call the language of love. Here we see the psalmist as the love-starved lover in search of the Divine Love of his soul.

            As the deer longs for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? (Psalm 42:1-2).

Saskatchewan Sunset - Photo by Donald Adam

          This hunger and thirst for love, is in fact, a recurring theme throughout the Psalms, and indeed, all of Holy Scripture. Psalm 42 begins with these words.

        Best days are days spent in pursuit of love, with the one we love. We yearn for such times. This pursuit of love is what drives the sales of a thousand romance novel titles. It is the wellspring for a million songs. It powers a large part of the movie industry. It turns Valentine's Day into a global celebration.

            The psalmist was pursuing love with the one he loved—the LORD Almighty. Have you spent time pursuing him lately? Is a day spent with Him, something you yearn for? Or, are you embarrassed by the blatant language of love that the psalmist uses here? Do hymns of praise and worship choruses bore you?

            All true worship is an act of love. It extols the virtues of the one we love, and it delights in simply being together. It unites the worshipped with the worshipper.

            Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than to dwell in the tents of the wicked (Psalm 84:10).

David Kitz is the author of Psalms Alive! a devotional study of the Psalms. 

Visit http://www.davidkitz.ca/

One Step at a Time—Carolyn R. Wilker

Writers soon learn that getting to publication takes many steps, and that it’s one step at a time. In early days of writing, there’s so much to absorb—show, don’t tell; use active voice, good grammar and correct spelling; transitions from one scene or thought to another. To a new writer it may seem overwhelming. And yet, in time and with much practice, even the newer writer gradually gets those separate elements together. With the help of an editor, the prose or poetry comes out looking polished.

A serious writer is always learning, striving for a stronger voice and a story that meets people where they are, and so learning is never done. Some writers seem to develop a natural way with words or a poetic or literary voice. And others, like my aunt who wrote poetry for her own enjoyment, and shared it with family, are also writers.

Perhaps from a young age, a one-day writer becomes adept at telling stories or standing up in front of friends acting out imaginary scenes, then recreating them for a larger audience. Like a nine-year-old I know who started her first newsletter recently that her homeschooling Mom supervises. Her Mom put up a link on Facebook and then the publisher of the local papers saw it and decided to include one of Rachel's stories in each edition of its publication. Go, Rachel, go! I suggested that one day she might be on the Youth Editorial Board for our regional paper. She continues to learn and that's good.

Life is a lot like that too, learning one step at a time. I awoke one morning recently and the line of Kris Kristofferson’s song, came to me: “One day at a time.” Just like composers of song and story, we never do it all at once. A baby is born, and there’s much for the child to learn. She sits up, stands, walks, says those first words, and later communicates with others. She tries things out, and her family learns in time what she does best.

After a long progression of words, actions, songs, performances, you, too, arrive at the present moment, and it’s as though all those steps were leading you there. You’re encouraged by your family to keep going, or by others around you. Sometimes a road block stymies your progress and stops you for awhile, and other times, you’re just not so sure of yourself and your abilities.

Faith journeys are like that too. At first parents and Sunday School teachers offer simple lessons, such as God loves you, through song and Bible stories, and you go from drinking milk (simple concepts) and eventually to eating solid food and digging into the  meanings of  a messy life and God’s grace and how God loves you, messy life and all.

Maybe you find release in resuming that gift that was dammed up, and other times it’s simply daunting. One day at a time.

As I tell my students in writing workshops, “If you keep working at it, you get better.” And they do, because I see improvement as they continue to write. In the same way, we understand better, in time, the lessons God has for us and the gifts he gave, and we continue to develop as his children, even when we’re all “grown up.”

If your calling is to write, then it’s time to get started. If you’ve taken a hiatus for whatever reason, there’s room to start again. Share what you know, where you are in your faith journey. Learn as you go and be persistent.

Carolyn R. Wilker, editor, storyteller and author of Once Upon a Sandbox. Carolyn will present a workshop, Making True Stories Memorable, for Canadian Authors Association, Waterloo-Wellington Branch, on February 28, in Waterloo, ON, and will be on faculty of Write Canada 2015, co-leading the Creative Nonfiction Intensive workshop.
http://www.carolynwilker.ca/