On our way to Uganda and Rwanda to teach about marriage & renewal - HIRD

By Rev. Dr. Ed Hird

On May 5th to 22nd, my wife Janice and I will spend three weeks in Uganda and Rwanda speaking on marriage and renewal. We will first be speaking, by invitation of Canon Medad Birungi, at the Healing for the Nations Conference in Rwentobo, Ntungamo, the site of the East Africa Revival. Last year there was 25,000 people attend this annual renewal conference.  We met Canon Medad through our good friends Pastors Giulio and Lina Gabeli of Westwood Church in Coquitlam. He came to visit our St. Simon's people at a midweek gathering held at one of our congregant's houses. After our time in Uganda, which will involve a brief safari, we will go 100 miles south to Kigali, the capital of Rwanda where we have been invited by Archbishop Emmanuel Kolini to lead a five-day marriage conference.

We will be bringing our new marriage book with us. The title for our new book is 'For Better, For Worse: discovering the keys to a lasting relationship." The book is a popular reworking of my doctoral thesis produced five years ago.

Here is an excerpt from our new book to whet your interest:

Kneeling at the communion rail with her ex-husband, Linda said to her priest, Ed, “Someday I would like to marry Lloyd again.” As Linda had said this several times before in previous sessions—and Lloyd had said the same—Ed said “Why not now?” She replied, “Sure, why not?” Everyone was thrilled that the communion unexpectedly concluded with a romantic marriage service. Linda and Lloyd had been divorced for six years before remarrying that day.[1] We will never forget that wedding celebration.  Linda and Lloyd later took part in our Strengthening Marriage Workshop, and discovered new ways to improve their relationship.

What if we told you that this book, if you put its principles into practice, would send you on a romantic adventure with your beloved? What if we told you that, by reading and applying this book, you would discover the keys to a lasting satisfying relationship?  Marriage is very important to Ed and Janice (authors of this book and organizers of the Strengthening Marriage Workshop).  We have learned much in forty years of marriage, for better and for worse at times, and want to help other couples benefit from our discoveries about how to have a lasting, fulfilling marriage.  We have made many painful mistakes in our marriage. In For Better, for Worse, we pull back the veil on our imperfect marriage and share some of our embarrassing and often humorous moments.  Authentic, non-judgmental story-telling is one of the keys to healing of relationships, especially in marriage. Too many marriages nowadays crash and burn. It doesn’t have to be that way.  Are you willing to try an experiment on how to do relationships in a whole new way?  Would you like to end the cycle of broken relationships and marriages among your family and friends? Healing can start with you. You may remember how Jesus asked the probing question “Do you want to be well?”[2] Do you want your present or future marriage to be whole and healthy?

This book is written for married couples, engaged couples, and those interested in being married one day.  Ed and Janice learned extensively about Family Systems Theory while Ed was doing his doctorate. This book integrates family and biblical wisdom about how to strengthen one’s marriage and relationships. Each of the seventeen chapters unpacks key elements of what a healthy marriage can look like. The first four chapters cover the four weeks of the Strengthening Marriage Workshop, developed during the doctoral studies.  The four-fold focus of these four weeks is on strengths, differences, conflict, and intimacy. Even if you read and apply just the first four chapters, you will gain new eyes to understand your marriage relationship in a brand new way.  Are you tired of seeing your partner with the same old eyes?  Would you like to discover who they really are, beyond the mask?

To say “for better, for worse” sounds very romantic on the wedding day. To live it out ’til death do us part is much more challenging. Many couples naively think that because of their loving feelings toward each other, they won’t face the “for worse” part. Do we have the courage to radically embrace the gift and challenge of the marriage vows “for better, for worse”? Marital joy is a deep joy that spills over into every corner of a family. Marital pain, likewise, is a deep family pain. We know of few families who have not experienced both joy and deep pain in their primary relationships. Has this been the case for your family? This book is about coming alongside people who long for more stable and satisfying marriages. Throughout the book, questions are asked that you can work on, perhaps through journalling and, at the right time, through sharing with your partner.  Thoughtful questions can take your relationship to a whole new level of intimacy.  If you even half-embrace the principles in this book, your marriage will never be the same.

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[1] Names have been changed. It was not a coincidence that our St. Simon’s North Vancouver congregation had just the day before taken a bold and costly stance for marriage. We believe that this wedding was a token of the Lord’s favour on our new adventure in which we as a congregation joined the Anglican Mission in Canada, which is covered by thirteen African Archbishops and bishops. To learn more about this journey, you are invited to read Ed’s earlier book Battle for the Soul of Canada.

[2] “Wilt Thou be made whole?” John 5:6  (kjv)

The Risky Business of Forgiveness by Rose McCormick Brandon

Rose McCormick Brandon

Gayle Haggard and her husband, Ted, started a church in the basement of their home. Twenty years later, the church met in a massive auditorium that held 14,000. Ted Haggard was charming, hard-working and caring. But he had a secret. Same-sex desires haunted him. At age 7, an employee of his father’s molested Ted. Not in a violent way, but in a way that interfered with his innocence. A sin was committed against Ted. And that sin led to sins in his adult life that ultimately destroyed his ministry at the mega-church and almost destroyed his marriage.

As a married man in love with his wife, Ted struggled with same-sex attraction. Eventually, he gave in to these temptations. Ted allowed his childhood secret to lead him into a secret  adult life. (It bears noting that many childhood victims of sex crimes do not let crimes against them lead to crimes against God and others.) Ted's other life went undetected until the day a masseuse went public with allegations against him. Gayle, the mother of their five children and the women’s ministry pastor in her husband’s church, laughed when she first heard the accusations. It couldn’t be. Not Ted, her college sweetheart, the man she’d devoted her life to.

Forced into the public eye, Ted’s denials fell apart. In tears, he admitted his sin, to Gayle, to his children and to his staff. It would be an understatement to say that Gayle’s world fell apart. Reporters camped outside their home. Friends forsook them. They had to leave their church, their home and, for a while, their state.

Ted advised Gayle to divorce him. “I’m too toxic for you and the kids,” he said.

Gayle stayed. “I stayed with Ted because commitment means something to me. I’ve committed my life to God which means that I’ve chosen his ways and I follow his example of love and forgiveness. I’m committed to our marriage, to stay in this journey till death do us part. I am committed to our children and I want to restore honor and dignity to their lives.”

Gayle Haggard

When I started reading Gayle’s story, Why I Stayed, I couldn’t imagine why any woman would stay with a deceiver like Ted Haggard. But . . . when I learned about the seven year-old who was molested, I thought - God sees clear-through people. He knows us thoroughly. He doesn’t see us as adults who should know better, He sees the wounded child within.

Christians don't condone Ted's sin. But we can’t help thinking of the woman caught in the act of adultery -   how humiliated she must have been – men circling her, getting ready to stone her. Then Jesus came along. (John 8)

“What do you say her punishment should be?” asked the stoners.

Jesus took his sweet time answering. The woman waited in fear. The men gathered more stones.

Finally, Jesus said, “I say that the person among you who has never committed a sin should be the first one to cast a stone at her."

Silence.

Rocks tumbled to the ground as first the older men and then the younger remembered their sins.

Only Jesus and the woman remained.

“All my accusers have left,” she whispered.

Jesus looked at her and said, “It’s time for you  to go home too - but no more adultery.”

And that’s how it is for Ted Haggard. He’s back home. No more betraying his God, or his wife. (She hopes. We hope. And God hopes.) Not surprisingly, the media ridiculed Gayle for “standing by her man.”

People who live in darkness are often blinded by grace. 

Gayle writes, “Ted gave me the gift of repentasce, and he chose, as I did, to heal our marriage. I know that not all men choose to do that.” She encourages people, as much as they are able, to forgive and love those who have sinned againt them. This is Christ’s path.

Not every sinner accepts forgiveness. Some will forsake their God, their spouses and their families. For these situations, there can still be healing for the wounded ones left behind  but not healing for the relationship, not in the present at least. Reconciliation takes two.

Gayle’s story taught me that I must be slow, very slow, to give up on people, eager to forgive and always hopeful for a better life for those who stray from God. I’ve strayed myself. And I must never forget that. When I do forget it, I’m no better than the self-righteous stoners.

“Make allowances for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.” (Colossians 3:13-14)

Forgiveness is a risky business. The end product isn’t always neat. And the process can be painful. But Jesus has promised to support us from the beginning to the end of the forgiveness journey.

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Rose McCormick Brandon is the author of four books, including One Good Word Makes all the Difference and Promises of Home - Stories of Canada's British Home Children. Visit her website at: writingfromtheheart.webs.com and read her blogs Promises of Home and Listening to my Hair Grow.