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Friday, 21 March 2008

What do you do when you cannot write?


I'm not talking about writer's block.  No. I'm talking about what you do when a physical disability makes it impossible to actually write. Three weeks ago I broke both of the bones in my right forearm. It was a painful and bad break. And I'm right handed.
It has been a most frustrating time for me. I still don't have the strength in my right hand to hold a pen, and I'm one of those strange breed of writers who writes most of my manuscripts in long hand. And now I can't even add a word to my grocery list.
My journals remain empty and I plunk this out slowly with my left hand. I go to church without my notebook and I'm such a note taker. I have notebooks full of sermon notes on my office shelves.
In my more 'angry at God' moments I've screamed at him, "You had to take my right arm, didn't you? It couldn't have been my left, it had to be my right. After all I've been through, this is a low blow, this is really low."
I have stomped around my house in frustration, tears and rage,
But, underneath my rantings I can hear Jesus say, "Trust me. I love you."
Yet, 
I continue to worry and fret. We rely on the income from my writing and already this broken arm has cost me money. My Nov. '08 release has been pushed into 2009.
Trust me. I love you.
I was telling my husband today that I feel like a bag of jangling bones - all broken up inside and hurting.
Yet I will not always be like this. And on this Easter weekend that fact comes to me in crystal clarity. I think about the trinity in a dance of love, as C.S. Lewis describes it - from all eternity past; loving each other, praising each other, worshipping each other, giving glory to each other.
And then for one horrid moment on Good Friday all of that ended. The Father's love was removed from the Son. Jesus Christ endured shame, pain, and the horrifically total absence of every shred and semblance of  love - so that I would never have to. His body was broken so that mine eventually will be healed. And even though it may  feel as if I've been abandoned, I have not been.
Because of  Calvary.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about your broken bones and your pain and loss. I hope you'll forgive my forwardness in offering a solution to your writing dilemma, but I know how frustrating not being able to write can be. I have windows vista and it comes with a program you can learn in a couple of hours that lets you talk all your words onto the computer and open programs and execute commands as well. It may also be available for other operating systems and would solve at least your writing problem.

Hoping you all the best in your healing process and God bless your works and keep up your spirit.

Shelly said...

Sometimes I find God has to take away whatever is distracting me from listening to Him... including my writing when I had carpal tunnel. Be still and know that He is God... and my heart goes out to you.