For Christmas this year, I asked the family
for DNA testing from Ancestry.ca. I just
received the results this week. There
was very little surprise and nothing exotic about my background—60% England,
Wales, North Western Europe; 33 % Ireland and Scotland; 7% Sweden (This last
piece was the only reveal.)
At age 50 I found my birth family but my
birth parents had both died by that time. I recently wrote a piece about my
birth father; a father who was in my life until I was almost five. I think it
helps demonstrate the void that can exist when families are severed.
Who is my Father?
Was he a hero leading the brass band; a sad clown seeking crowd
approval; or Santa Clause on the last float? A parade of memories are all that
I have left.
I was adopted at age five, and my only remaining information comes from the Children’s Aid
documentation, photos, historical data, and conversations with my adoptive and
birth family members.
My birth father’s given name, John, dates back seven generations to
our United Empire Loyalist roots. John Sr. and his son John Jr. fought with the
King’s Rangers on the side of the British in the American Revolution between
the years 1775-1783. At the end of that war, the family fled to Canada and
received payment from the British in the form of 200 acres in Eastern Ontario.
John Jr. served as a sergeant in the War of 1812 out of Kingston, Ontario. On a
recent trip to this region I hiked into an old graveyard, pushed back the
overgrown grass, and strained to read washed-out grave markers. The names on
these old stones had blackened with age.
Did my father ever ponder or reflect on his Canadian heritage?
As I was growing up, my adoptive mother, in a critical and
disapproving tone, shared her limited knowledge about my birth father and
mother. Her statement was always the same.
“Your father was lazy and couldn’t keep a job.” She said.
Then in a gentler voice she added, “They told me your mother was a
tall, attractive woman and she had no choice but to give you up because your
father couldn’t provide for the family.”
Was my father a loser and my mother the victim?
At age 50, I received my Non-Identifiable information from the
Children’s Aid. My maternal grandmother
said my birth father failed to provide for his family, and that he was the
cause of the separation between him and his wife.
I also learned from this document that I was fourteen-months old
when my birth parents separated. My mother kept my two-year-old birth brother,
and my four-year-old birth sister went to live with our paternal grandparents. The document also recorded that my father
tried, over a three-year period, to place me with two different families, but
both families decided not to follow through with an adoption. As a consequence,
when I was four, the Ontario court stepped in and made me a Crown Ward.
Did these efforts mean that my birth father cared about me?
When I met my birth brother and birth sister they had strong and conflicting
views of our father.
My birth brother, a man who typically made allowances for just about
everyone, became noticeably irritated and angry when I asked about our father.
His facial expression showed disgust.
“What father? He wasn’t a
father to me. I remember as a kid that he promised to take me to a movie, but he
didn’t show up. He was never in my life growing up. However, when my
son was born, he wanted to be a grandfather and came over all the time with
gifts and toys. I couldn’t get rid of him.”
My birth brother spew out
these words that revealed a deep hurt of abandonment and an open wound.
Was my birth father sorry
for his past behaviour?
.According to my birth sister, who was brought up by my birth father’s
parents, our father would visit regularly with clothes and gifts. When she
spoke of him, I sensed her love and admiration.
With pride she said, “He was
a strong swimmer and jumped in the water on a couple of occasions to save
people who were drowning. He was very
well liked and when he died, a large crowd of friends came to his funeral.”
Shortly after I met my birth sister we took a road trip back to our grandparent’s
home town. I saw the small grey house where she grew up. The Canadian National
Railway train tracks ran through their back yard, and my grandfather and uncle
had lifelong jobs working on rail maintenance in this location.
Why didn’t my father get a job like this?
After my birth sister’s death, her daughter brought me a worn maroon-
coloured box and inside was a bible with
an inscription from our father to my birth sister on her twelfth birthday.
Did he ever go to church? Was he thinking of my birth sister’s
spiritual wellbeing?
My birth mother’s sister told me that my parents met picking apples.
My birth mother was seventeen and my birth father was twenty-three. My aunt gave me a picture of my birth parents
on their wedding day.
In the photo my father is dressed in a long wool overcoat and a felt
hat with a brim. The hat is tipped to one side in a nonchalant manner. There’s
a cigarette dangling from his right hand and he wears a detached expression on
his face. My mother looks quite chic in her coat and hat. She has a slight
smile on her face but they are not holding hands and there doesn’t appear to be
any sign of two people in love. I know that she was pregnant with my birth
sister. As I study the picture and their facial expressions, I think she must
be feeling relieved to have the ‘problem’ solved while he looks more like he is
just going through the motions.
My birth mother’s youngest sister told me on a couple of occasions, “Your
mother adored your birth father and she was heartbroken when he left her for another
woman.
But, did he adore her?
My birth parents on their wedding day 1939
I was blessed
with an adoptive father who adored me; I was his blue-eyed, blonde little girl,
and I loved him dearly. My adoptive father
also taught me about God and I learned that my heavenly father would
never leave me or forsake me. This knowledge is all that really matters.
“... I will be your Father, and you will be my sons
and daughters, says the LORD Almighty”
2 Corinthians 6:18
2 Corinthians 6:18
Carol
Ford - published author, speaker
Carol combines her background as a corporate
trainer and her Christian faith in her writing and speaking. She writes
articles for local newspapers, Christian magazines and on-line webinars. She has two short stories published in the
Hot Apple Cider series - My
Mother’s Gift and My Forever Home 1948. She is also a co-author of: As
the Ink Flows: Devotions to Inspire Christian Writers & Speakers.