John &
Paula Sandford: Healing the Family
-an article
for the Light Magazine ‘Healing Pioneers’ series
Many people are fascinated with science fiction, the
battlefield worlds of Star Wars and Star Trek.
John and Paula Sandford, as healing theologians, knew that the great
arena of battle is inner space, rather than outer space.[1] With their Elijah House
ministry, their passion was to evangelize the unbelieving areas of the
believer’s heart.[2] They
felt called to "restore the hearts of children to the fathers and the
hearts of fathers to the children". (Malachi 4: 6)[3]
The Sandfords discovered through thousands of hours of
Christian prayer counselling[4]
that inner healing of the heart makes us more human:
The tragedy
of our culture is that men and women are becoming progressively less human.[5]
Restoration of the inner person comes not through
trying to correct our behaviour, but rather through death and restoration[6]:
Sins need
forgiveness. But our sin nature can only
be dealt with by our own death on the cross.
Forgiveness is done for us totally by Jesus. Death on the cross requires
our participation…[7]
Even though death, resurrection and forgiveness
already happen when a person receives Jesus, we are slow to accept the new
reality. John said that we are spiritual midwives attending at the birth of
people.[8] Sanctification
is daily death and resurrection in Christ. Restoring the Christian family
happens as we apply the Lordship of Jesus to every area of our lives.[9] Everyone
needs inner healing in order to mature in the Christian life, transforming our
hearts.
Like Leanne
Payne and Francis
MacNutt[10],
John and Paula were mentored by the grandmother of modern healing, Agnes Sanford.[11] She saw inner healing as nothing other than
the confessional, the revealing and confession of long-forgotten sins (James
5:16).[12] Paula and I, said John, have heard more
confessions than most priests.[13]
John first met Agnes Sanford in 1961 in Springfield,
Missouri, where she prayed for the healing of his back by asking the Lord to
enable him to forgive his mother. His
childhood relationship with his mother had been very difficult.[14] In
John’s subsequent dream, five-foot-four Agnes Sanford tackled to the ground the
six-foot-tall weightlifter John Sandford before racing with him through a
skyscraper turning on lights. John commented: “Ever since then, the Lord has
been turning on lights in my ‘tower of knowledge.’”[15]
In 1963, John joined Agnes as a teacher in many inner
healing seminars conducted by her School of Pastoral Care.[16]
After the death of her husband, Agnes Sanford came to
John and Paula, needing love to come out of her walls of depression and to live
again. It was a great privilege to
prayerfully release her from her depression.[17]
Four key areas where John and Paula made key
contributions were in the area of the heart of stone, inner vows[18],
bitter root judgments, and performance orientation[19]. These four areas have been key to the
Sandford’s success in restoring marriages and reversing ‘silent divorce.’ John and Paula’s vulnerability about their
marriage challenges gave courage for many other couples to be transparent in
seeking healing.
John and Paula often opened up inner healing by asking
three questions[20]:
1) What
was your father like?
2) What
was your mother like?
3) Did
they give you affection?
Because Paula’s mom struggled with anger, so did Paula
in the early days of raising her children. Through deep inner healing, Paula
became very sweet, even when she later had Alzheimer’s. Her son Mark said:
Whenever my
wife Maureen and I visited her, memories of the angry mother of my distant
childhood faded in the warm glow of gentle hugs and kisses and “I love you” and
“I'm so proud of you.” We never detected a hint of anger toward us.[21]
Both John and Paula Sandford were wounded by their
fathers being workaholics whom they only saw on weekend. This left them with bitter root judgments
that their spouses would not be available for them. As Hebrews 12:15 puts it, “see to it that no
one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause
trouble and defile many.” Bitterness
defiles everything.[22] John said:
What is in us
either blesses or defiles others. There
are specific ways that bitter roots defile. Our bitter root judgements can draw
out the worst behaviour in people.[23]
Forgiveness by John and Paula of their fathers brought
great healing to their marriage. John found it easier to be present to Paula
when she no longer saw him through the eyes of her absent father.
For the first eighteen years of their marriage, Paula
could not keep the house tidy. Everything
was messy. When John repented of his bitter root judgement about his mom being
messy, Paula could keep the house tidy, with her children actually helping her.[24]
Marriage, said the Sandfords, is a
twenty-four-hour-a-day, 365-days-a-year, exercise in the art of forgiveness.[25] The ability to completely forgive is perhaps
the most needful skill requiring restoration in family life today.[26]
Forgiveness is vital in inner healing. When we forgive our spouse, our hearts are
more tender as the roots of bitterness are removed. This makes it easier to be kind and generous
to our spouse. No more silent treatment,
putdowns, or screaming. How does your family handle conflict?
Because John’s mother was not safe to be around, he made
an inner vow not to be open to a woman. Through breaking this inner vow, God
radically restored intimacy within his marriage.
John’s father suffered from procrastination, never
finishing things. Part of John’s heart of stone was that he was locked into his
inner vow that unlike his dad, he would finish things. This caused him to not
be available to his wife Paula because he would not stop until he had finished
whatever project that he was already doing, whether ministry or sports. This hooked into Paula’s inner vow that her
husband would not interrupt things to be available to her. Breaking this inner vow allowed John to be
present to Paula in a life-giving way.[27]
The greatest difficulty concerning forgiveness, said
the Sandfords, is that most often we do not know we still cherish resentment,
or have lied to ourselves.[28]
People almost inevitably think they have forgiven when they haven’t.[29]
Until we lay the ax to the bitter root of unforgiveness, there is no rest.[30] The Sandfords held that
Bitter-root
judgments are the most common, most basic sins in all marital relationships
–perhaps in all of life.
Because of bitter root judgments, we continually look for
a fight to happen with our spouse.
Seldom are marital fights ‘clean’, (i.e. actually concerning what they
seem to be about.) Marriage is fraught with surprises.
The best way to destroy a marriage, said the
Sandfords, is to be sure to win every argument.[31] They taught extensively about biblical
listening:
Real
listening is the most difficult art in the world precisely because it calls for
the most complete and constant death of self.[32]
True inner healing breaks the curse of
self-centeredness, releasing us to a life of service. The single root cause of
failure, said the Sandfords, in every marriage is selfishness.[33]
When a person has a heart of stone, especially clergy
and caregivers, they are incapable of divulging their inner being to another.[34] Receiving is always riskier than giving.[35] The
heart of stone, said John, is an automatic hiding place with us, a hard place
inside of us that resists trusting brothers and sisters. Love is a fire that will melt whatever
remains of the heart of stone.[36]
Performance orientation, as described in Galatians 3:
1-5, leaves us stuck on an endless treadmill of trying harder to be good
enough. We so easily believe the lie that we will never be loved unless we do
things perfectly. John Sandford commented: “God doesn’t want us to try. He
wants us to ‘die’ so that He can do it through us.”[37]
All of us can learn from the wisdom of John and Paula
Sandford which is available in many books and also on YouTube. Would you like God to give you a heart of
flesh? Would you like to break any inner vows off your life? Would you like to
be released from any bitter root judgments?
Would you like to be set free from performance orientation? Jesus is
waiting to set us free.
[1] John and
Paula Sandford, Restoring The Christian Family, (Victory House, Inc.,
Tulsa, Oklahoma, 1986), 21 The great arena of battle is inner space, not outer.
[2] https://www.elijahhouse.com.my/founders/ (accessed 2025—12-09)
[3] John and Paula Sandford, Restoring
The Christian Family,.166 “Fathers’ love for their children is so important
that without it, a curse comes upon the land. (Malachi 4:5-6)”
[4] John and Paula Sandford, The
Transformation of the Inner Man, 91 “…twenty years of counselling as many
as 1,200 hours in each year.”
[5] John and Paula Sandford, The
Transformation of the Inner Man (Bridge Publishing, Inc., Plainfield, NJ,
1982),214.
[6] John and Paula Sandford, Restoring
The Christian Family,. ix.
[7] John and Paula Sandford, The
Transformation of the Inner Man, 5.
[8] John and Paula Sandford (Elijah
House)- How To Minister Effectively, Core Bible Study
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWjT-lt3X6k (accessed 2025-12-10).
[9] John and Paula Sandford, Restoring
The Christian Family, 151.
[10] John and
Paula Sandford, The Transformation of the Inner Man, 4
“Many pastors, doctors, nurses, and others came and learned; among them
were Francis MacNutt, Barbara Shlemon, Tommy Tyson, Herman Riffel, Paula and
myself…”
[11] John and
Paula Sandford, The Transformation of the Inner Man, vi
“Of course no list of acknowledgements could be complete in a book
concerning the healing of the inner man which does not give thanks for the
pioneering work of Agnes Sanford. Not
only was she for all of us the forerunner in the field of inner healing by
prayer, but she was also our own first mentor in the Lord, our friend and
advisor. It was her solid common sense which first hauled our soaring mysticism
to safe moorings in sound theology, the Word of God, and earthiness.”
[12] John and Paula Sandford, Restoring
The Christian Family, 141.
[13] John and Paula Sandford (Elijah
House)- How To Minister Effectively, Core Bible Study
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWjT-lt3X6k (accessed 2025-12-10).
[14] John and Paula Sandford, The
Transformation of the Inner Man, 4 “I (John) met Agnes Sanford in 1961 in
Springfield, Missouri, where she prayed for the healing of my back by asking
the Lord to enable me to forgive my mother.
(Until I was thirteen, my relationship with my mother had been terrible.
But then I forgave her and was forgiven, and since that time, we have enjoyed a
good, if imperfect relationship.) I knew
by my psychological training that Agnes was praying for the inner boy from conception
to thirteen whom I could not reach. It
worked. I was healed.”
[16] John and Paula Sandford, The
Transformation of the Inner Man, 5, “In 1963, I joined Agnes as a teacher
in many seminars conducted by the School of Pastoral Care. Together for several years, we taught the
healing of the inner many in schools and missions across the country.”
[17] John and Paula Sandford, The
Transformation of the Inner Man, 221.
[18] John and Paula Sandford, The
Transformation of the Inner Man, 232 “Authority breaks inner vows. Friendship overcomes hearts of stone. Forgiveness expressed by a counselor washes
away guilt.”
[19] John Sandford, Performance
Orientation #3241, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SMZpDQgEJE&t=10s (accessed 2025-12-15).
[20] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyShRWSXxG0 (accessed 2025-12-10)
[21] Paula
Sandford, A Life Well Lived – Elijah Rain Ministries (accessed 2025-12-10).
[22] John and Paula Sandford, The
Transformation of the Inner Man, 242 “Bitter-root judgments are the most
common, most basic sins in all marital relationships –perhaps in all of life.”
[23] elijahhouse.com.my/audio/bitterroots.mp3 (accessed 2025-12-10).
[24] elijahhouse.com.my/audio/bitterroots.mp3 (accessed 2025-12-10).
[25] John and Paula Sandford, Restoring
The Christian Family, 54.
[27] Session E (Healing Life's Hurts
2004) John Sandford, Paula Sandford, Catch The Fire Toronto
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-xyesqGYEE
(accessed 2025-12-14).
[28] John and Paula Sandford, Restoring
The Christian Family, 101.
[29] John and Paula Sandford, Restoring
The Christian Family, 101.
[30] John and Paula Sandford, The
Transformation of the Inner Man, 104 “Forgiveness brings us to rest”.; 117 “But
if we have laid the ax to the root and prayed, that thing is in fact dead.”
[32] John and Paula Sandford, Restoring
The Christian Family, 63.
[33] John and Paula Sandford, Restoring
The Christian Family, 92.
[34] John and
Paula Sandford, Restoring The Christian Family, 33 “Faithful ministers of the gospel
common suffer from a heart of stone, for the minister’s concept of his office
seduces him to value giving but not receiving.”
[35]John and Paula Sandford, Restoring
The Christian Family, 31.
[36] John and Paula Sandford (Elijah
House)- Hearts of Stone, Core Bible Study
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wY6RnvMP46w (accessed 2025-12-10) .
[37] John Sandford, Performance
Orientation #3241John,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SMZpDQgEJE&t=10s (accessed 2025-12-15)
