LIVING WITHOUT REGRET-by Heidi McLaughlin

I attend a lot of funerals. My first husband died and I grasp the importance of just “showing up” to support family members during their grief. I have remarried and my new husband is a pastor to an age group 55 and older, so at this juncture of my life I am acquainted with many people who are moving into the final years of their life. Consequently I hear a myriad of eulogies and I'm always gripped with a deep sadness when I hear:

“I wish I would have made more time to be with mommy/daddy/sister/bother/friend.”

“I should have...”

“I never…”

"I REGRET..."

Those are moments in time that we can never recapture. Missed opportunities leave us feeling sad, empty and sometimes we are angry that we have allowed the daily distractions of life to sabotage the important things that were left unfinished.   

So I have made a decision. I do not want to come to the end of my life with regrets. I have learned to do something that I call: “Playing the movie forward”. Here is how it works: When I am faced with new opportunities, challenges or new creative ideas, I ask myself the question, “What will this look like in fifteen years?” Then I go through this process:

1.         I feel it is crucially important that I keep my life in balance. Not too little or too much of anything. So I ask myself: “If I add this new ‘thing’ into the equation, will it bring my life out of balance for an extended period of time?”

2.         How will it affect my relationship with my husband and family?  Will I be so fatigued and zapped of energy that it will rob us of precious time that we could spend together?

3.         Can I afford it financially, emotionally and physically?

4.         Will it leave a valuable imprint in someone’s life or this world?

5.         When I look back at this “thing” 15 years from now, will I be glad I did it?

In this confusing and complicated world it is so easy to get off track and succumb to the daily distractions and the demands around us. But, I was born to live with purpose so I choose to take care of my life and my heart so that I don’t feel the helpless and agonizing pain of regret.

But there are days when I blow it. It might be by stabbing someone with an unkind word or just choosing to ignore the pleading, helpless look in someone’s eyes. I can’t ignore my errors and heartlessly move on. That will ultimately cause regret. I need to make the wrong into a right. It is imperative that I forgive those whom I have hurt and then receive forgiveness from God so that I can let go of my own guilt and shame. The bible tells us that there will be difficult days. It says: “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33 NIV).  God sent His son Jesus into the world to help us overcome those days when we make a mess out of our life. That is when we need to look to Jesus and say, “Jesus, help me…” (With whatever difficulty you are experiencing right now).

Then we have to choose to receive Jesus’ forgiveness, learn from our mistakes and be determined to do better next time. We need to move forward fully engaged and be determined to live a life of “no regrets.”

Heidi McLaughlin lives in the beautiful vineyards of the Okanagan Valley in Kelowna, British Columbia. She is married to Pastor Jack and they have a wonderful, eclectic blended family of 5 children and 9 grandchildren. When Heidi is not working, she loves to curl up with a great book, or golf and laugh with her husband and special friends. You can reach her at: www.heartconnection.ca

Bruce Cockburn: Restless Virtuoso- HIRD

By the Rev. Dr. Ed Hird

While at the local library with my wife, I ran across Bruce Cockburn’s fascinating new autobiography and spiritual memoirs Bruce Cockburn: Rumours of Glory.   A true Canadian icon, Cockburn ironically gets more airtime now on US radios than in Canada.  Until recently, he has been called one of Canada’s best kept secrets.  Over the past five decades, he has released thirty-one albums, selling over seven million copies worldwide, including one million copies in Canada. The New York Times has called Cockburn a virtuoso on guitar.  His accomplishments include 12 Juno Awards and 21 gold/platinum certifications. As well as being a member of the Canadian Music Hall of Fame and Canadian Broadcast Hall of Fame, Cockburn is an Officer of the Order of Canada and recipient of the Governor General’s Performing Arts Award for Lifetime Artistic Achievement.  He even has his own postage stamp!  It is easy to put famous people up on pedestals, only for them to come crashing down.

Cockburn noted: “What doesn't kill you makes for songs.”  He is very transparent in his memoirs about the ‘cage of reticence’ that he has been trapped in, saying that it took him decades to open up enough to allow another human beyond the courtyard of his heart. Due to the flat lining of emotional content, he bottled up his feelings and failed to connect.  Cockburn commented: “It was almost impossible for me to communicate from the heart, especially if the subject required deep openness....I remained too trapped inside myself...”  Even positive attention could be off-putting to him.  Being terrified of audiences, he initially pretended that they were not there.  Through his music, Cockburn temporarily came out of hiding: “Music is my diary, my anchor through anguish and joy, a channel for the heart.”  His self-described penchant for withdrawal led to several painful relational breakups: “Relationships of the heart though require exposure of the soul.” Being a travelling musician can be very hard on relationships.  In his memoirs, Cockburn notes:

...a long history of failing to communicate our deepest fears, resentments, and longings was at the core of our unraveling....Neither of us would entertain for a moment the notion of going for counseling...I'd leave on tour. My wife would be left in a stew of resentment and loneliness.

There are endless internet interviews with Cockburn about his spirituality.  Few authors are willing to be interviewed in such detail about their spiritual journeys.  Cockburn’s spiritual reflections are very paradoxical, evocative, and nuanced: “Anyone who has spent any time exploring Bruce Cockburn’s music knows what a complex artist he is. He is as spiritual as he is political, and as much a master musician as a lyrical poet.”  He is a free spirit who cannot be boxed in.  Bruce has a strongly developed social conscience and passion for justice that is expressed through his music, particularly in the 1980s. The more interior 1970s led to a more exterior 1980s, focusing on the love of oppressed neighbours in the Global South.   

While raised in the United Church by agnostic parents, his first spiritual encounter occurred while taking communion in St George’s Anglican Church in Ottawa: “it felt like something happened.” He called it a wondrous shiver of contact, of connection.  At his wedding at St George’s, all of a sudden there was someone there “as vivid as I could see them, but I couldn’t seem them, this loving presence...So I started taking Jesus very seriously at that point...that image has never left.” Sadly, in moving to Toronto, Cockburn ‘didn’t find another church that had the same spirit attached to it.”

It has been said that Cockburn has a spiritual GPS in him that doesn’t want to shut off: “I’m trying to get people to be aware of how much more there is to life than just what they see.” There are people who love Bruce Cockburn just for his music," said Mr. Brian Walsh, explaining each has their reasons be it his guitar virtuosity, his lyrics or his political stance. "They don't always get the spirituality.”  Cockburn’s quest for deeper meaning is a lifelong spiritual journey: “I believe that my relationship with God is central to my life. It is the most important thing in my life.” “Eventually, through a series of personal stuff in the early ’70s, I ended up giving myself to Christ and asking for help, and I figured at that point I better start calling myself a Christian,” said Cockburn. “I think a personal relationship with God is what we’re supposed to be after and what God is after. That experience was a very crucial part of discovering and attempting to develop that relationship,” said Cockburn.  The song All The Diamonds was written on the night of Cockburn’s conversion: “When Jesus came into my life, in 1974, he also came into my music.” Only God, said Cockburn can fill that hole inside of us.

 My three favorite Cockburn songs are Lord of the Starfields, All the Diamonds, and Wondering Where the Lions Are.  The autobiography gave a fascinating backdrop to Cockburn’s life and songs, illuminating the rumours of glory.  Bruce is very experimental, experiencing himself into faith and relationship with God.  Then he reflects on it later, sometimes in very confusing and ambiguous ways. 

Cockburn has always been a restless spirit: “I craved adventure. I needed to throw myself into something unknown, travel with only vague destinations, expose myself to the elements, sail the seas.”   He says that a lot of his nomadic rootlessness and constant longing for home comes from mistrust when his father destroyed his first poems: “I have a great deal of mistrust. I have a mistrust of authority. I have a mistrust of things I don’t know intimately.  I have a mistrust that takes the form of “OK, God, I am here for you and you are here for me. But I don’t want to go all the way because you might ask something of me that I am not capable of giving or don’t want to give. So I hold myself back from that piece because of that.  I am working on that piece...”  May Bruce Cockburn may continue to inspire others to seek for home.

The Rev. Dr. Ed Hird, Rector, 
St. Simon's Church North Vancouver 
Anglican Mission in Canada 
-an article for the April 2015 Deep Cove Crier

9 STEPS TO AN UNBALANCED LIFE - By Heidi McLaughlin

A balanced life is over-rated. Before you call me a fanatic and burn me at the Time Management whiteboard I want to ask you. “So how is time management” working for you?”

Over the past ten years we have been saturated with “how to” steps for managing our most precious commodity-time. I was the day I threw my palm pilot into the garbage that I realized I had become a slave to time management. With all the information on how to de-clutter, time management workshops, fat day timers, computer and i-Pad calendars and every piece of technology known to mankind to help us with our 24 hour days, we are still rushing, sighing and feeling overwhelmed and frustrated.

A balanced life sounds like a wise, wonderful concept; but what happens when our finely tuned “one hour increments” in our day timer fall behind and we fall apart? In a question and answer period at one my conferences someone asked me the question, “So Heidi, how do you manage your time?” It had been a long time since I looked at my daily life and this question evoked some serious evaluation. I became acutely aware that I am so blessed to be a mom and grandmother; able to still work four days a week, write books, speak across the country and mentor younger women. It made me realize that I am able to describe my life the way my youngest granddaughter’s face lights up when she is delighted about something and exclaims: “That’s yummie!”

I am deeply passionate about leaving my fingerprint on the earth in a meaningful and powerful way.  The bible inspires me with this truth: “Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom” (Psalm 90:12 NIV).  Here is what those words mean to me:

1.    Say “Yes” to Yummie.  God has given all of us gifts and passions to make our lives, and this world a better place to live.  Ask yourself this question, “What makes my heart pound? What keeps me awake at night dreaming, thinking planning? What do other people say I am good at?” Those are gifts God has given each of us. How dare we not use them?

2.    Say “No” to clutter and useless, meaningless tasks.  Why do we feel it necessary to fill our days with things that have no value; meaningless tasks that rob us of our passions and smiles?

3.    Pray and ask God for His wisdom how to live each day. Do this before you create another calendar event into your i-phone and the two alerts to keep you on track..

4.    No, we are not responsible for everything that happens in everyone’s life.

5.    Get proper rest. Fatigue makes cowards out of us. It makes us vulnerable and before we know it, we are caving in and signing up for another thing that will rob us of more energy.

6.    Realize there are seasons of being totally out of balance. I just finished a difficult season of caring for my mother before she died; challenging disruptions at work and speaking at many conferences.  My life has been totally out of balance for a few months, but my heart is still pounding with passion and purpose.

7       7. Realize this life is about relationships and not process. The bible reminds me of this in such a powerful way: “You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath” (Psalm 39:5 NIV). The breath of God within each of us is more important that the petty little tasks that consume our hours. 

8.    If you don’t know your gifts or passions, ask God to reveal them to you. He will gladly do it. ^“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5 NIV).

9.    Create your own “magical trash can” and get rid of all the “shoulds” that are robbing your joy.

God has given you and me the “breath of life” on this planet to make a beautiful and powerful impact on mankind. I don’t believe God ever meant for us to be chained to a time machine. As energetic, smart people, God fearing people living in this 21^st century, we must take the time to discover our strongest gifts, passion and the purpose that God has given us. Having clarity about our daily purpose will fill our life with pure pleasure and satisfaction. It’s time to stop, smile and say “yes to the yummie.”

 Heidi McLaughlin lives in the beautiful vineyards of the Okanagan Valley in Kelowna, British Columbia. She is married to Pastor Jack and they have a wonderful, eclectic blended family of 5 children and 9 grandchildren. When Heidi is not working, she loves to curl up with a great book, or golf and laugh with her husband and special friends. You can reach her at: www.heartconnection.ca

A GLORIOUS SPLASH OF TIME-by Heidi McLaughlin

                                                                        

An unrelenting knot in my stomach signals the beginning of my Easter week. My emotions become tender and anxious because Good Friday is approaching-again. 

This tension started ten years ago on a Good Friday, when I heard the whispered, gut wrenching words, “Were you there when they nailed Him to the tree?”  In that divine, hushed moment I became that mother gazing upon her own son hanging on a cross. I tried to envision my son in that scene-Donovan, the apple of my eye, with his wistful lopsided grin and dimples. The one who makes me double over in laughter, creates gourmet recipes, shops with me, and makes my buttons burst with pride.  My whole life has been devoted to nurturing, loving and protecting him.

So I am overcome with emotion when I place myself in that moment in time, where Mary stands, looking up at her son’s bloody, nail pierced hands as He hung upon the cross. To a mother, her son is always her cherished boy. We never forget the soft, warm cuddles, or long nights watching him toss with fever. How do we fathom being a mother who raises a son knowing he is appointed to die? How do we fathom the Son, freely giving himself for the world? That is what we have to grapple with-knowing Jesus has such a radical love, it disrupts our world.

 Just before Jesus went to the cross He had an intensely intimate conversation with His Heavenly Father. He said, “I have given them the glory you gave me-the glorious unity of being one, as we are” John 17:22(TLB).  It is unmistakably clear; Jesus was leaving you and me to continue on this radical mission to wash out a dark world full of selfishness, confusion and hatred with His Glory-a reflection of His essence-Love.

 It is glaringly obvious. I have this moment in history-a Glorious splash of time-to reflect God’s glory.  Most moments in time I don’t feel one bit glorious. As I tap my fingers in traffic or look at my watch in cashier lines, I know I cannot muster up any glory.  But Glory comes from the one who died for me, the Lord, whose spirit splashes through me. If I stop myself in the moment, wherever I am, I know that Spirit lovingly spills into me.

 My knot finally dissipates on Easter Sunday. My eyes shift from the excruciating horror of the cross to the magnificent beauty of a love beyond reason. I move from emotion to mission.  I have been asked to disrupt the darkness of this world with the Glory of this radical love. I am ready.

 “And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the spirit” (2 Cor. 3:18b NIV).

 How do we reflect God’s glory?

1.         Realize that God has given us this Glorious Splash of Time to reflect His Glory.

2.         Seek to know God’s love.

3.         Keep a pure heart – forgive freely.

4.         Ask the Holy Spirit to be the Glory in us.

Heidi McLaughlin lives in the beautiful vineyards of the Okanagan Valley in Kelowna, British Columbia. She is married to Pastor Jack and they have a wonderful, eclectic blended family of 5 children and 9 grandchildren. When Heidi is not working, she loves to curl up with a great book, or golf and laugh with her husband and special friends. You can reach her at: www.heartconnection.ca

   

Language of Letting Go-- Carolyn Wilker

Our Toastmasters meeting theme the day I write this post is Letting Go and the Language of Letting Go. There’s multiple meanings to that phrase "letting go", whether it’s allowing children to grow up and live their own lives, someone in our circle of friends who has moved away who seems to have broken ties, or a loved one who has died and for whom we must say goodbye.

I once read a poem comparing children to kites. The kite flyer, the parent, lets out a little string at a time, such as the day a child goes to school for the first time. The kite, being the child, may fail to rise, get caught in a tree, or rip and tear in the process. A child learns what worked or didn’t work and, with guidance from a loving parent, is willing to try again, until the day when the kite rises and flies freely, that is, a child leaves home.

As each child leaves, the home feels a little emptier, and parents hope that they have taught the necessary skills. I remember having to refocus when our last child was about to leave home. I wrote a poem entitled, Letting Go (pub. 2007, Tower Poetry).

Letting go

you implore

with tear-filled eyes that mirror my own

that I neglect my preparation

for the day of release

when the kite flies free

the mist clears and I see again

the young woman before me

be brave my heart!

you will fly as you were meant to

free and strong

and by letting go

I will have all that matters:

your love

There are exceptions to that rule, such as the child who needs support for a longer time, maybe indefinitely. I also think of a young woman who lives in a group home for intellectually challenged adults. She works at tasks in the community that are appropriate to her challenges. She has been involved in Special Olympics, with her parents’ blessing and support, even before leaving home. She has won many medals in those events and is about to go off to Nationals to compete in a winter sport. Hard as it was to let her go, her parents allowed her to move on. She shines.

On the second aspect, I think of a friend who moved away and after a short interval of communication, even a trip to visit her there, has made no attempt to stay in touch. I admit that this one has been hard, one that I’m still not over. She was one who encouraged me to write, brought me the first brochure for God Uses Ink conference that I attended in 2001.

Thirdly, letting go of a loved one who has died, but not forgetting. I miss those who have been dear to me and who have invested in my life: an aunt, special uncle, a friend, a neighbour, or a grandmother. I have not lost a child, a different heart-wrenching grief that I have witnessed among friends and family. We hurt deep on our losses, like flesh cut from flesh. We feel the comforting arms of friends, the kindness of friends and neighbours. We’ve let the person go, because that life would no longer be a healthy life. We commend that person to God and try to go on. In time, we begin to live again, exchange memories and even to laugh again.

It will be interesting to hear the responses to this theme. I, for one, have learned who my real friends are, the ones who are there to comfort me when I need it most, who understands how it feels to have a child leave the nest, or someone has moved away and dropped connections, or my grief when I have lost one I loved.

What does “letting go” mean for you today?

Author of Once Upon a Sandbox.

www.carolynwilker.ca

Upcoming events:

Storyteller at Steckle Heritage Homestead Farm, 811 Bleams Road, Kitchener, ON, Winter Fun Day, 11-12am

Book signing, March 10 at Waterloo Chapters store, Waterloo ON, 1-3pm