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Tuesday, 27 February 2007

My Greatest Fear - Lindquist

There are many things I fear. Having a flat tire on a freeway. Or worse, having a flat tire at night. The result of this fear is that I avoid driving on freeways whenever possible.

Losing a small child in a large shopping mall and not finding him for an hour (other end of the mall, calmly reading a comic book). So I take young kids shopping only when there is no other choice.

Waiting until midnight for a teenager driving home from up north and being two hours late. He comes in, surprised that I'm up. No problem, just some heavy rain. And he started late. My fear turns to anger, relieving pent-up emotion.

A doctor's diagnosis. Cancer. All through the spine. My father's confused, questioning eyes as the doctor leaves me to explain. My mother's bewildered disbelief. It wasn't supposed to be this way. He was always the strong one. Now I have to take his place.

The expectation of my own death as I spend long hours in agony and helplessness, the small child inside me struggling for life, my strength flowing away like blood dripping from an amputated limb.

Yes, I know fear.

But with each of these fears, I have also known peace. I have never felt alone, for God is always with me. He allows me to lean on him. And I know that whatever happens, he’ll still be in control. And I am able to trust and not fear. Except...

I have another fear. One I try hard not to think about. Most of the time, I even pretend it doesn't exist. It’s the fear that something is missing in my life. A dimension that ought to be there but isn't. God's peace is in my heart, but who will hold my hand?

I see you at church on Sunday and we say, "Hello," and "How are you?" and we talk about the weather or the programs at church or the new people, or the people we haven't seen for a while, and then we go to our homes. Afterwards, I think, “Something was missing.” There I was with so many questions on my heart that I could hardly concentrate. Questions about my value as a woman, about my role in the church, about my family and my life. About feeling pulled in so many directions and...even about pain. And all I said was that I was fine.

Am I the only one who feels this way? You’ve never mentioned similar fears to me. And yet...there must be someone else who shares my questions and even my pain. There must be someone, somewhere.

Could it be we're all too busy looking after our families, and furthering our careers, and keeping the church programs going that we simply have no time for each other? No time to really talk to each other and pray for each other and hold each others' hands, and look after each other?

Or is there a deeper reason? You don't suppose our busyness is just a way of protecting ourselves, do you?

What a strange idea. To think that my greatest fear might be the fear of you? Ridiculous....

The funny thing is I don't feel God's peace in this area. I feel...longing. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could talk to each other? I mean, really talk. And I wouldn't have to be afraid that you would think I was stupid, or peculiar, or not a good enough Christian. Wouldn't it be great if we could let our guards down and I could learn from you and you could learn from me—and we could even help each other in practical ways? No jealousy or pettiness or envy or shame—just help each other. You know—like Jesus would.

Why does the mere idea stir something deep within my heart? Like embers beginning to glow. It would be so great to know you really cared. That you knew all about me and still cared. And we wouldn't have to fear each other.

One of these days, one of us will have to make the first move.


*I wrote this article some years ago, and it was published in the Link and Visitor. From some recent conversations with other women, I thought perhaps it was still appropriateand not just for women.

2 comments:

D.S. Martin said...

You're so right! What we need is community. We're surrounded by so many people that we don't seem to have enough time for any of them, and they don't seem to have enough time for us.

As writers we can form community; as Christians we must form community...and yet, and yet, and yet...

DSM

Deborah said...

I love this post, Nancy. Thanks.

We do need community, real community. But everything seems to conspire against it. Have you ever noticed how even when people get together for prayer or Bible study, precious time gets frittered away with meaningless small talk? Then the prayers all focus on stuff about the neighbor down the street. Seldom do we ask for prayer for ourselves for the areas where we are most vulnerable.

Deborah